When the Spawn was a toddler, her favorite game was Hide and Seek. She didn’t exactly grasp the concept, but this was her favorite game. To initiate the game, she’d toddle over, give you a full left hook to the head, arm, or whatever part of your anatomy was readily available (tag, Spawn, tag.), skitter two feet away and cover her eyes. She was “hiding,” see. I’d clomp around, pretending to look for her, all the while she’s giggling so hard she turns pink and topples over. But her eyes stayed covered. Finally, I’d swoop down and lift her into the air, shouting “I found you!!” But the game wasn’t over, as far as she was concerned, because her eyes where still covered. She wouldn’t concede that she’d been found until you finally somehow tricked her into dropping her hands. In her mind, if she couldn’t see you, you couldn’t see her…despite all evidence to the contrary.
I tell that story because I’ve noticed a correlation in her perception of hiding and the startling yet prevailing perception of relationships. People, a rose by any other name…is still a freaking rose. Lately I’ve noticed people making comments that reveal that they’ve either lost their Webster’s --or their grasp on reality. I’ve heard people speak of “undefined” romantic situations so much that I want to scream. Some of y’all don’t seem to know when you are in a relationship--or out of one, for that matter. Some of y’all seem to think that as long as you don’t CALL a spade a spade, it’ll somehow be the king of hearts until you say otherwise.
Case 1: Bonita Alvarez
Bonita is a commitment-phobe, but not in the traditional sense. She’s ready to be in a long-term, or even terminal, relationship. But what she’s not ready to do is admit it. At least, not to anyone with whom she’s likely to establish said relationship. Bonita is not comfortable showing any affection at all until her mate is practically willing to cough up major organs to be with her. Then, she’ll maybe smile at him. Meanwhile, she’s hailing his praises to any one who’ll listen. That is, as long as that person can be trusted not to relay that information to him. The last thing she wants is for the man to think she likes him, or anything.
Somehow, despite all this, Chuckie Sanchez has withstood. He’s determined to have Bonita for his very own, and deep down…he knows she likes him. They’ve talked about everything from sharing toothbrushes to naming their children. Chuckie has begun to drastically reorganize his finances, to better accommodate her on a long term basis. Bonita knows, and accepts that this is all for her. She encourages it. She wants to be with Chuckie, too. For this, he gets a kiss on the cheek.
Now, months down the line, Bonita has met the family, Chuckie has liquidated major assets, and the couple is going house hunting this weekend. Bonita is happy. By this time, she’s finally told Chuckie that she thinks he’s kinda cute, a little bit. She excitedly calls me with news.
“Guess what?” she says. “Chuckie and I are officially girlfriend and boyfriend.”
Excuse me???? I’m sorry, but Bonita has a classic case of relationship denial. She’s been in a relationship for months now, but she’s convinced herself that until she calls it so, it isn’t so. I call bull. Boyfriends don’t sell their trucks and look for houses in good school districts. When you have reached the point where this person is the ONLY person you are -or even care to be- dating, when other people are pretty much irrelevant, when you’re invited to a “couples” event and you don’t even consider taking someone else…then he/she’s pretty much your significant other. By definition, actually. This usually happens long before the house shopping stage of your involvement, is all I’m saying. I don’t care what you call each other. You’re TOGETHER, period.
There’s another side to this denial coin, too-- and it’s not nearly as pretty.
Case Two-- Erin Miller
Erin is a late bloomer. She wasn’t particularly attractive throughout school, so she’s come a little late onto the romantic forum. Somewhere between prom and Psych 1, Erin hit a growth spurt. Now, she has curves where there were only angles, and somebody’s figured out that she has pretty eyes, too. She looks a bit like Beyonce, everybody says so. Anyhoo, Erin has landed herself her very first real, adult boyfriend. They’ve “done it” and everything, and that’s means a relationship, right?
We are at a party, and Erin is having a great time. We’ve been there for a couple of hours, and it’s about time to take it to the next venue. We’re partnering up for carpools, etc. I go to find Erin, who is sitting on the sofa in the corner, with a guy behind her, stroking her hair, and another stretched across her lap. She’s telling one of them “I can’t. I have a boyfriend.” Yeah, speaking of…where is he? We’re trying to see who’s riding with who (m). “Oh, he’s over there…but I need a ride, too, ‘cause we didn’t come together.” Lap dude: “You can ride with me.”
Meanwhile, the boyfriend was busy on the dancefloor being the meat in a skank sandwhich. No, I mean he was ON THE FLOOR. Grinding. So let’s get this straight…they didn’t come together, they’re not leaving together, as far as I could tell, they had yet to acknowledge each other’s presence, and from the looks of things, they would not be spending the night in each other’s company. And no, they weren’t fighting. That’s just how they did things. But they were boyfriend and girlfriend, right (that sounds so juvenile)? Because they said they were. Sigh.
Erin’s thing was she had been single so long, she relished the concept of having somebody. She couldn’t see the value in being single for herself, she saw it as failure. Therefore, she got herself a title that carried no weight, and carried on as she saw fit. Again, this is relationship denial. If you don’t really care to be in each other’s company, rarely call, go days without speaking, and generally seek out the companionship of other’s instead of your mate…y’all are not together. In fact, you just might actually hate each other. Or be married. Get that checked.
There are many, many examples that I could give you of people who are in relationship denial. Some of you are even reading this post. Ahem. But the bottom line is, being “together” isn’t defined by your language, it is defined by your feelings. You can crawl under that table and cover your eyes, but I still see you. Whether you choose to acknowledge your situation for what it is or not, it still IS. It’s not gonna hurt any less if it ends…just because you never said it started. Likewise, it’s not going to feel any better when it starts…just because you’ve given it permission. Just let it be, and accept what you are.
The Heartless
